I have noticed that as the years have gone by I have developed a complicated relationship with coffee. This never used to be the case. I could chug it like water and it would have no effect on me. Even before bed. And when I say no effect I mean – nothing. No energy boost, no wide awake feeling… Nada.
Which seemed incredibly unfair. My friends would experience a cocaine-like high from drinking the stuff and yet there was me in the corner feeling slightly betrayed by life.
When I moved to London in my early twenties and started drinking coffee at work I noticed that I sometimes developed a – shall we say – “gurgily stomach.”
Over the years this operatic performance would worsen to the point it sounded like my bowels were possessed barely fifteen minutes after I had consumed a cup. Whale song would emanate from the general proximity of my belly button and alarm those sat nearest to me. I would then be forced to casually sidle across the near-silent office floor to the ladies toilet (as if nothing terrible was about to happen) and fart into a fist full of tissue paper for the next twenty minuets.
I would be able to accept my fate as one bereft of coffee but I can drink it ANYWHERE ELSE in the world and I am absolutely fine. It doesn’t give me the gurgles or the farts or give me spontaneous boughts of diarrhea.
I can drink it and feel nothing.
So what gives?
Why has nature / age / Satan himself decided to prevent me from consuming a particular beverage SPECIFICALLY at work?
If I drink even one little mug I am dicing with death.
Or at least it feels that way when I am clinging onto the toilet bowl for dear life…
– Is it just me?
Note: I have now learned that IBS (which I apparently have according to google) is triggered / worsened by stress. So when I am in a stressful environment and drink coffee (my IBS trigger) it’s like throwing a grenade into my bowels.
Which explains why all my coffee dates ended in disaster when I was single.
So actually I can drink coffee, but in order to avoid embarrassment only if I’m 100% guaranteed not to get stressed out by anything
I can never drink coffee again.